links - [[Books Index]] # 202011030838 Book Notes of Bullying Scars [[Bullying]] ### Chapter 3: Being Different. The traces that difference leaves behind. * Being difference from the norm may often cause the individual to feel shame; something is wrong with me. * Page 31 “Shame and difference of any sort tend to be inextricable” * Victim of bullying feel shame, because they believe that it must be something wrong with them to allow that to happen. * Difference is perceived as a threat to any safety and comfort. Society/social groups are uncomfortable with difference. * The use of substance to numb pain of being bullied. * Page 33. **Shame and Aggression** * Anger and Rage can reside within someone who has been shamed repeatedly. * "Often, anger and rage reside at the core for someone who has been repeatedly shamed. Some people will act out with retaliation. When we see children or adults who do retaliate, they may feel shamed to a greater degree by peers or school personnel. [Page 33 * I wonder if that’s the reason for school shootings. * Shame can lead to low-esteem, and act against self (sabotage), depression and anxiety. * "Shame is both an outcome and a precursor of bullying, harassment, and violence. It leads to low self-esteem and acting against oneself in the form of self-sabotage, depression, and anxiety.. Page 33” * Shame may case anger and bullying behaviour. * "Shame plays an important role in the enactment of bullying as retaliatory aggression. Ahmed and Braithwaite (2005) found that children who bully are displacing the anger they feel as a result of being shamed by others. On the other hand, chil- dren who manage their shame in more socially acceptable ways are less likely to become bullies or act out in any kind of violent manner.” Page 34 **Shame and Guilt** [[Shame and Guilt MOC]] * Arrogance maybe an attempt to overcome shame. * ![[Daring Greatly How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead#^30c223]] * When someone has a healthy sense of self, and he does something wrong, he experiences guilt. For someone who has been shamed, they experience shamed. * — Juliana mentioned, Shame is “I am not good”, guilt “I have done a wrong thing" * Absence of guilt is a precondition for shame-related violence — by overcoming shame through arrogance - extreme violence. * "When people have been shamed from the beginning of their lives, it becomes almost impossible to feel guilt. What they feel is shame. When people are humiliated, they become shamed. Some people try to overcome shame through arrogance; some may overcome shame by dying in acts of glory or misplaced “glory,” such as are witnessed in acts of extreme school violence. Page 35" Shame and Trauma * Shame can cause trauma. Traumatic memories. * "Shame has many adverse effects, and one is that it can result in trauma. Matos and Pinto-Gouveia (2010) conducted a study to explore the prem- ise that “shame episodes can have the properties of traumatic memories, involving intrusions, flashbacks, strong emotional avoidance, hyper arousal, fragmented states of mind and dissociation” (p. 299). With 811 participants, their research results showed that early shame experiences can result in traumatic memories. Further, these kinds of memories pro- duce feelings of shame that carry over into adult life.” Page 35 Body Image * Obsese children, more likely to be targeted. * Early puberty or late puberty. Basically if you are out of the “norm” can be a reason to be targetted Academic Prowess * People make fun of smart students. Make them insecure? Race Disabilities Economic Status ### Chapter 4: People-pleasing vs revenge * Abused children blame themselves for being bullied. * "Abused children attempt to understand the reasons behind their treatment and most often conclude that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. This sad and inaccurate conclusion leads to an adult with a fragmented self: one self that is tarnished or shame- based and one part of the self that is overly inflated or elevated (Herman, 1992).” Page 53 * It is a developmental milestone when people find the sense of self, and authenticity and voice for themselves. It help them feel entered and grounded. * "Finding a sense of self, a sense of authenticity, and an authentic voice are fundamental jobs for adults in all stages of development and, once achieved, imply a developmental milestone. This true sense of self can lead to feeling centered and garners a sense of well-being.” Page 55 * Adults who have been bullied, may have difficulty being sure if they are being authentic; are they really nice or just a protective device? * "Judith Herman (1992) in her book on trauma describes childhood victims of abuse as performers. They are forever on the alert for what may be required of them and seek to please others in order to avoid fur- ther abuse. As a result, as adults they typically perceive themselves to be inauthentic. Page 56” * Social anxiety can also be a effect of being bullied, because the fear of criticism or judgement by other. * "Social anxiety is the most common anxiety disorder (Stein & Stein, 2008). People experiencing it are worried about and fearful of criticism and judgment by others...we see growing evidence that childhood bul- lying may produce social anxiety that extends into adult life. Page 56" * People self-medicate by food, substances, self-harming to feel better. * Revenge, is linked to sense of fairness and reciprocity. It can be protective. Righting a wrong. To a child, fairness is paramount to a child. And sense of morality not developed yet, they may take things into their own hands. * "Revenge can function to help maintain a person’s sense of self when he is being beaten down by others. Fantasies of spiteful actions serve as a protective factor from lapsing into a deep and intractable depression. Thoughts of revenge or actually taking revenge are linked to deliberations on fairness and jus- tice. It is important to remember that for children fairness is a paramount principle. Adults and peers should beware a child who feels he or she has been treated unfairly. With their undeveloped sense of morality, children and adolescents, who experience unfair treatment at the hands of others, are liable to take matters of justice into their own hands. Righting a wrong is acutely important. When no adults administer justice for perceived offenses, certain children will act of their own accord and feel entitled to do so (Black, Weinles, & Washington, 2010). This is often what is happen- ing when a child brings a gun to school (Apel & Burrow, 2011). We have seen numerous examples of gun violence in our nation’s schools based on a young person’s need for righting a wrong through revenge. Page 58”. * Lawrence Kohlberg, described the stages of revenge. * Following formal tormentor on social media to compare lives. Impact on employment * Bullying is correlated to wages. And people changing job. They may drop out from school, and thus affect future employment. ### Chapter 5. Consequences in Relationships (page 66) * The theme of not being able trust easily. * Resources to mitigate impact of friendship issues are cognitive mechanisms to reframe, supportive parents/adults. * "Some children have such resiliency that they seem to be little affected. Some utilize cognitive mechanisms that allow them to reframe what has happened (deLara, 2008b). Some children have the support of understanding parents and go to them as a resource (Bowes, Maughan, Caspi, Moffitt, & Arseneault, 2010; deLara, 2012). Page67) * Dating and Bullying * Adolescent dating is part of development process. However there are new form of bullying, (1) sending sexually suggestive pictures/messages that become “revenge porn”, (2) dates teasing each other, calling stupid, worthless, ugly by dates. ( — where do young people learn to date?!) * “Adolescents are also subject to other forms of aggression during dating. For example, teen dating violence can begin with so-called teasing and name-calling, both of which people tend to see as “normal” in adoles- cent relationships. According to a 2008 CNN survey, 69%of those sexually active at age 14 experienced abuse from their dating partner. Sixty-two percent were verbally abused by being called stupid, worthless, or ugly by their dates. Unfortunately, most parents seem to be unaware of these undercurrents in teenage relationships (CNN, 2008). In a nationwide sur- vey, 9.9% of high school students report being hit, slapped, or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriend or girlfriend in the 12 months prior to the survey (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC], 2010). Unhealthy, abusive, or violent relationships can cause short-term and long-term negative consequences to personal development. ==Victims of teen dating violence are more likely to do poorly in school, show earlier sexual debut, and engage in binge drinking, suicide attempts, and physical fighting. Victims may also carry the patterns of violence into future rela- tionships (CDC, 2010; Silverman, Raj, Mucci, & Hathaway, 2001). Page 68-69)== * [[Suicide]] * Victims of bullying as children report more emotional loneliness, more difficulties maintaining friendships. * "A European study was conducted in 2004 with adults who were victims of bullying as children. The research team found that victims, as adults, expressed considerably more emotional loneliness, and reported more difficulties in maintaining friendships, than nonvictims (Schäfer, Korn, Smith, Hunter, Mora‐Merchán, Singer, & Meulen, 2004). P69" * Victim of bullying have injured self-image, perception, they pushes people away. (Self-fulfilling) * "“I have very low self-esteem so I don’t feel like I deserve a good relationship.” “My self-image is messed up. I never really believe that someone likes me. That makes it difficult for me to be in a relationship.”. “I cannot maintain relationships because my self-perception is terrible. People no longer want to be around me.” Page 70 * Friendships * Men, friendships and childhood bullying * Men do not form friendship with man because they are afraid that they will be bullied like before? * Acceptance and Rejection * Statistics * Trust in adulthood * Witnesses * Impact on friendships * Intimate partner relationships ### Chapter 9: It comes home to roost: Bullying and the family. * Bullying or aggression can happen at home. (Young towards the elder) Parents as Bullies. * Parents can justify their aggression as discipline, but it’s unjustified use of power. * Parent may displace their anger, aggression in the form of scapegoating. * Abuses - emotional, verbal, and physical abuses - May not be labelled as bullying.. But it is! Siblings as Bullies Impact on the family * Parents feel helpless when they learnt that their child got bullied. * Parents who have been bullied as a child, are more sensitive to those who experience bullying. More compassion. They check and make sure their children are not been bullied. * Victim may be come depressed, suicidal, And family members have to be aware and watch over * Parents who have been ### Chapter 10: Is there anything Positive? * • They had a greater sense of empathy for others. * • It enhanced their moral development; they made an internal commit- * ment to never treat anyone as badly as they were treated. * • Being bullied provided an incentive for goal attainment; they wanted to “show” that they were okay. Post-traumatic Growth * People can often grow after a traumatic experience. * "People who experience trauma seem to fall into three categories: those who survive the trauma but do not quite return to their original baseline functioning, those who recover from the trauma, and those who actually grow and exceed prior functioning as a result of the trauma they have overcome (Bonanno, Galea, Bucciarelli, & Vlahov, 2007). Tedeschi and Calhoun (2004) discov- ered the following indicators of post-traumatic growth in adults who had overcome trauma: * A greater appreciation for life in general A greater appreciation for relationships A sense of increased personal strength Changes in personal priorities * A richer spiritual life” page 179 * What influenced resiliency? * "Resiliency in children and adolescents is influenced by a number of things. Here are a few: * 1. genetic and neurobiological factors * 2. environmental and developmental factors * 3. an individual’s bio-psycho-social-spiritual factors (Aisenberg & * Herrenkohl, 2008; Beaver et al., 2011; Bowes et al., 2010; Feder, Nestler, & Charney, 2009)” Are there any positive consequences? * Proving them wrong. * Success * Morality * “What doesn’t kill you, make you stronger” * Independence - They moved and relocate. * Self acceptance and self worth Educators can contribute to the problem. Teachers can misuse their power and authority. When child look up for adult and teacher for help, they abuse their trust.