# 202012261312 Loneliness (book notes) #loneliness #sad [[On Loneliness MOC]] From - Book Notes : Loneliness Human Nature and the need for human connection. John T Cacioppo (Read this book) - My summary. Loneliness is built in by evolutionary needs for human to stay connected for survival. Social interactions has shaped how brain are connected. It has a biological basis. **Cross-link ** - [[202103082108 Shame cut us off from people and cause loneliness?]] Whether the underlying reason for Loneliness is shame. #shame ---- ## Chapter 1: Lonely in a Social World **Risk and vulnerability, and perpetuating factors for loneliness** - 1. Level of vulnerability to social disconnection. - Inherited need for social inclusion, sensitivity to pain. A propensity - 2. Ability to self-regulate the emotions associated with feeling isolated. - How well we can cope and manage, if not it become chronic stressing us out - 3. Mental representations and expectations of, as well as reasoning about, others. - Social cognition, how do we make sense. - Beliefs, and how we interpret events. **A well regulated, social connected person is insync with the environment, and continue to co-create, and maintain connection, like law of attraction.** - A well-regulated, socially contented person sends social signals that are more harmonious and more in sync with the rest of the environment. Not surprisingly, the signals he or she receives back are more harmonious and better synchronized as well. This rippling back and forth between the individual and others is the corollary to self-regulation that we call co-regulation. - (G. R. Semin and J. T. Cacioppo, "Grounding social cognition: Synchronization, coordination, and co-regulation," in G. R. Semin and E. R. Smith, eds., Embodied grounding: Social, cognitive, affective, and neuroscientific approaches (New York: Cambridge University Press, in press). - This remind me of "Law of attractions", how we give out the same frequency, and draws in more of the same. ## Chapter 9. Knowing Thyself, among others. **Loneliness affect emotional regulations and empathy.** It affect Empathy in the four elements, - 1) Shared affect, - 2) Awareness that other is separate from the self - 3) Mental flexibility to "put myself in other's shoe" - 4) emotional regulation  - crosslink [[202103082101 What is Empathy? It is connecting with the emotion that someone is experiencing, not the event or the circumstance]] - Neuroscience of empathy, (J. Decety and C. Lamm, "The biological bases of empathy," in G. G. Berntson and J. T. Cacioppo, eds., Handbook of neuroscience for the behavioral sciences (New York: John Wiley & Sons, in press).) - Jean Decety, (P. L. Jackson, A. N. Meltzoff, and J. Decety, "How do we perceive the pain of others? A window into the neural processes involved in empathy," NeuroImage 24 (2005): 771–779.) ## Chapter 13: Getting it right. On Loneliness **When feeling lonely, do something nice for others. Volunteer, help, get 'helper's high'** Cause and effect - Do something nice, for others, and butterfly effect, - Helpers high. - Blessed more to give than to receive. **Recognize that loneliness is not a disease, but more like feeling hungry, or thirst. Plan ahead to prevent hunger** **When lonely, can't focus on feeding myself to quench thirst, focus on feeding others, it's counter-intuitive.** Accepting the gift - I may have a greater need for connections, i can reframe it as a gift. - I cannot fill my thirst by focusing on feeding myself. - But I must focus on feeding others. - Showing genuine interest in another person, expect nothing in return. - It is counterintuitive to feed others first when you are hungry. **CBT** 1. Recognise the negative thoughts. Don't indulge on them 2. Examine thought and belief, evidence, question those thoughts hard. 3. Then recognised that whenever this habit thought come out, "stop it" ## Action plan to counter loneliness. EASE your way to social connection ^126e81 **E for extend yourself** - Experiment with it, - Feed others, don't expect anything back. - Sending out social signal, somebody will signal back. - Make no assumptions - Volunteer, teach others, tutor, read to blind etc **A for Action Plan** - We have latitude in choosing where to invest out social energy, we are still able to exert control. - You can volunteer for activities without any skills. - Social connection is not a popularity contest, and goal of change is not to win on America Idol. Goal is to connect meaningfully with others. - Healthy, sustainable relationships are based on willing reciprocity, not exploitation. - Feeling lonely also makes us fall victim to our own eagerness to please. - most adaptive model is an openness to engagement combined with realistic expectations, accurate perception of social cues—including cues that suggest caution—and realism about the type and number of commitments to take on. **S for Selection** - it's quality not quantity - Have to be meaningful, and satisfying. - Mutual, fairly similar level of intimacy and intensity, - pace at both side feel comfortable, - Selection is sensing which prospective relationships are promising, and which would be climbing the wrong tree. Be calm, and mindful, to interpret those signal accurately. - Careful selection, guided by self-regulation. Plan ahead your meals. So you won't snack on unhealthy junk. (Don't get caught up by physical, status) - Data shows that similarity (birds of same feather flock together) trumps complementarity (opposites attracts). - How to find people like me? - ?online? Reading? Forum? Internet? **E for Expect the Best.** - Social contentment can help us to be more consistent, generous, and resilient. It can make us more optimistic, and that “expect the best” attitude helps us project the best. - Watch out - Loneliness can make us demanding. - Loneliness can make us critical. - Loneliness can make us behave passively and withdraw. [[20201226 Countering Loneliness Action]]