# Book Note : Self Under Siege [[psychotherapy]] [[Books Index]] #shame Source - [The Self Under Seige](evernote:///view/463671/s5/308fda03-2789-4d4c-93e4-cb22b14acc98/308fda03-2789-4d4c-93e4-cb22b14acc98/) Cross reference: - [C20200853: Language affect how children see themselves.](evernote:///view/463671/s5/1dedd349-292b-4286-a1bc-c4229a30aeb8/1dedd349-292b-4286-a1bc-c4229a30aeb8/)  - [27-01-2021 Thur](evernote:///view/463671/s5/50c5cd4e-7e3a-d07d-facc-25fb141a7e03/c24bc1f0-1ab8-482a-b3ed-5d0ab50ef081/) - A bad day today. --- **[Self under Siege](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3Su_ilFtYm8dUoyVWpZamtfMHM/view) (PDF on GDRIVE)** **Chapter 1.** #attunement - Assumptions that we all have a "true self", external "voices" get mixed up with the "true voice", therefore differentiate is to expose this split and identify self and others.  - Question: Do we have a true self?  - the word: **attunement**, or Mis**attunement** - When children are frighten, hurt, they incorporate the aggressor into themselves. (The person causing them emotional hurt.) internalize parent's voice/image - People integrate parents' positive qualities, identification become harmonious integrated part of personality - Negative characteristics, point of view, maladaptive psychological defenses become non-integrated, alien aspect of personality. - Children utter helpless and dependent on adult/parents. Parental misattunement unavoidable because of their unresolved trauma (unconsciously). Negative imprinting on their children.  - Self-Experience ---- when the child did not receive a mirrored reaction, parents (due to power differential), they internalize caregiver reaction, as their own... causes a split within them. "Alien self" -- "i cannot trust my own feelings, views, doubt their own body/mind/sense... because caregiver is right or more powerful.."  - \--- i think it's also impossible to be completely differentiated.-- we exist as divided selves (at different times, some times the "positive aspect" appear... sometimes times the "negative aspect" appear.. and we symbolically reconnected with those figures in our lives) --- requires MINDFULNESS - _"These incorporated attitudes promote a defensive lifestyle that predisposes misery and maladaptive behavior, opposes individuation and self-realization, and serves as the core resistance to psychotherapy and a happy and harmonious life."  ---_ wonder isn't that the purpose of mindfulness, or religion, (ernest becker - to rise "above" this and choose a new path) (6 Aug 2018 --- The old has passed, and it's the new.. ) The Self and Identity - **Differentiation is a product of how we think about ourselves.** - _"According to Kerr and Bowen (1988), “Differentiation is a product of a way of thinking that translates into a way of being” ( p. 108). “The more differentiated a self, the more a person can be an individual while in emotional contact with the group” ( p. 94). And “This process of change has been called ‘defining a self’ because visible action is taken to which others respond” (p. 107).” Page 5. \[_[R202003150914: Reference Note on Differentiation #Reference #Differentiation](evernote:///view/463671/s5/b9761702-2c76-43e0-8f95-41444ca41e56/b9761702-2c76-43e0-8f95-41444ca41e56/)\]  - - \--- So how you live your life, is dependent on how you THINK! To me this is very comforting, as human, the power to pause, think differently, and thus, live differently. Any moment of our lives. We can choose. That is "defining a self"..  - Self -  - Eastern view : There is no "TRUE" self, it is an illusion. --- Remembering the book "The Path of Way", we always cultivate self, we can always be different.. To limit ourselves as having a "TRUE" self, is limiting.  - Western view: Social Construction view: Your view of self is defined by social context. -- I also agree! - Psychologically : Even though Nature of self is hard to define... Erik Erikson (1963) uses identity and self interchangeable. -- This subjective "sense" of who we are.  - There are periods/stages in life when people go through identify formation stage.  - Self system make up of unique wants, desires, goals and values and unique manner and ways to achieve them. The question is, how much of these wants, desires, goals, and values are truly arise from self, and how much reflect of someone's else?? That is the question.  - _"In our experience, we have found that most people are initially unaware of the extent to which their lives have been preempted or taken over by an incorporated parent whose thoughts, beliefs, and feelings are actually antagonistic to their own desires and goals. Most people are compliant and rarely deviate from the beliefs and opinions held by their parents and tend to live conventional and predictable lives. They fail to recognize their lack of differentiation or the fact that they are reliving someone else’s life rather than living their own life. Others adopt a defiant stance in opposition to their parents’ ideas and values and approach life mistakenly believing that their defiance and rebelliousness are their real identity. However,_ _compliance and defiance are both driven by the views, behaviors, or lifestyle of one’s parents, and neither is truly representative of one’s own identity or self__. It is of the utmost importance to take both of these contingencies into consideration when approaching the project of differentiation._ - As we differentiate (which is an arduous work and lifelong project), we leave behind the known and familiar, there will be increased awareness of loneliness and vulnerability because --- there is a void, and gap now, what are you filling it up with?! A PILOT STUDY - Five basic steps were involved in the subjects’ attempts to differentiate from their incorporated malevolent voice attacks: - 1) revealing the destructive ideation and feelings that were directed toward them from a particular parent in the form of a dialogue - 2) developing insight regarding the sources of the attack; - 3) answering back by stating their own point of view; - 4) Recognizing the impact of the voice on present-day behavior; - 5) and planning and implementing constructive action that challenged and countered the internalized point of view. --- **Chapter 2: A Developmental Perspective** - Life is a series of weaning experiences. Otto Rank (1936/1972) "_It begins with birth, then continues with separation from the breast, from the mother, from parents; the first day of school, leaving home, getting married, pregnancy, becoming a parent, saying good-bye to one’s children as they leave home, becoming a grandparent; and it ends with one’s death, the ultimate separation.' (_ 6 Aug 2018 -- _On the flip side, it also mean, life is about joining together also. Joining with parents, joining with friends, joining with community, joining with partner.. joining with God)_ - As we move away from sense of security from family, we move further away... and fosters separation anxiety, also heralds growth and new frontiers.  - Define SEPARATION and DIFFERENTIATION:  - A universal struggle (page 11) - Separation refer to physical location, geography. Can live separately but still maintain destructive patterns..  - Differentiation - distinguishing oneself as a unique individual (-- Self-Actualization?) - Four Tasks:  - (1) break with internalized thought processes (i.e., critical, hostile attitudes toward self and others); - (2) separate from negative personality traits assimilated from one’s parents;  - (3) relinquish patterns of defense formed as an adaptation to painful events in one’s childhood; and - (4) develop one’s own values, ideals, and beliefs rather than automatically accepting those one has grown up with. \[[C202003150944: What are the tasks for differentiations?](evernote:///view/463671/s5/1288041c-2dcb-489b-a02a-27c8e1d65080/1288041c-2dcb-489b-a02a-27c8e1d65080/)\] - People do not have a fixed identity. --- Identify what are the self critical, self destructive attitudes, where are the sources?? What are my own values..  Have power to "chart the course of their lives in a manner that is both harmonious and well integrated" (Morrant & Catlett, 2008, P350). - Self emerges only in relation to another person or persons. -- that is how we all begin, we cannot develop in vacumm.  - Development of the neonate's brain and personality is environmental-dependent (based on outside stimulations) - _"Our need for social affi liation and attachment is expressed through the pursuit of love and personal contact; however, when this need is not fulfilled in childhood, we often choose to rely on fantasy processes to compensate for the emotional deprivation we experienced at the time (Firestone, 1985)."_ -- i find this interestingly, related to another book on Sexual Perversion, wonder how much connected, or because we don't have it in reality, our mind "make up" shit.  POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE ENVIRONMENTAL INPUTS THAT AFFECT THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE SELF - Children are extremely sensitive to harmful influences. There is no perfect parents, only good enough... even good enough parents cannot guarantee a child without any form of injury. To a child, everything is exaggerated and dangerous, They depend totally on caregivers. (--- Adults ...) - A firm, [Invisible Child Abuse](https://www.psychotherapy.net/video/invisible-child-abuse) (Paar, 1995)  Parental Ambivalence - _Children are also extremely sensitive to how their parents feel toward themselves. They feel relaxed and secure in an environment in which their parents have positive regard for themselves. However, if their parents have low self-esteem, strong feelings of inferiority, or unresolved feelings of loss or trauma from their past, children intuitively sense their parents’ state of mind and feel threatened in their own security_ (Firestone, 1990a). _Emotional Hunger_ - Parents confuses their own need for emotional connection with genuine feelings of tenderness, love and concern for child's well-being.  - Expressed in anxious overconcern, overprotection, living vicariously through one's child, or an intense focus on appearance. ---- feel like it's describing Singaporean parents.  - Emotional hunger may be expressed in anxious overconcern, overprotection, living vicariously through one’s child, or an intense focus on appearances. Parents who behave in this manner exert a strong pull on their children that drains a child of his or her emotional resources. The residual effects of parental hunger on adolescent and adult personalities are often evidenced in an inward, self-protective orientation toward life, fear of success, severe anxiety states, or passive-aggressive tendencies (Firestone, 1990a). Parental Withholding - Parents inhibit or hold back their affection and other positive qualities because of their own defenses - also unable to accept love and affection from their children.  - Children left feeling emotionally hungry, tends to form an anxious/ambivalent attachment to the withholding parent. Children stop wanting affection.  - Grow up, unconsciously block the flow of their natural feelings, increasingly use fantasy to satisfy needs.  - Defensive posture to keep experiences predictable. Manageable. Maintain their psychological equilibrium  - _\--- Made me think, is that how traditional family are? Parents do not show their emotions. Resulting in Emotionally hungry children, and adults._ Attachment, Attunement and Misattunement - Bowlby, attachment theory.  - Parental deficiencies lead to both harmful, insensitive treatment and repeated failtures to repair distruptions in attuned interations between parent and child.  - When child cannot reconcile caretaker intentions and their feelings, they fragments. e.g "You look angry (even though it's your own unresolved issues), it frighten me (mirror neurons).. but you are my caretaker.. i cannot be scare of you... so there must be a reason for your anger in me... " - Fragmentation is dissociation of the usual continuity of the self.  - \-- dont know throught what process, interpersonal neurobilogy - "introjection" - how parents interact with children becomes hardwired in their children's brain.  THE FORMATION OF THE SELF AND ANTI-SELF SYSTEMS (Page 17) - When parents out of sync with child, child stop identifying with himself, and instead with angry/avoidant parent - this causes a split within child, R. D Laing (1960) said that the splitting become a basic orientation to life (page 83 of the book). - Child takes on, complete identify with caretaker representation (mood, mental state), because they cannot reconcile how can caring caregiver be unkind.  - "It is not you, it’s me”. “Not your fault, it’s my fault”  - That lead to formation of an “alien self” within child.  - Child grow up having to battle this “evil, bad self”, or needing other people for externalization (projective identification) A frame work to explain the self and anti-self system  - A division of the mind.  -  - Once a defense solution is formed, people protect it at the expense of limiting lives and goal-directed pursuits.  - Through process of introjection and imitation. children absorb parts of their parents’ “self/personality”, takes on their “self/personality”.. Depending on life experiences, Self or Anti-Self system dominates. Especially during stressful periods, anti-self system can prevails.  - R. D. Laing “_Curious phenomenon of personality.. is that individual seems to be vehicle of personality that is not his own…"_ - Fantasy Bond - Seperation causes anxieties, so child come out with self-soothing, fantasized relations to tell themselves that they are “independence” no need others (Protect themselves from hurt) . This self-parenting process is composed of “Self nurturing and self-accusatory and attacking components”. They learn to treat themselves like how parents treat them.  THE IMPACT OF THE CHILD'S EVOLVING AWARENESS OF DEATH (page 22) - “The wish for fusion and merger denies the reality of separation and, thus, the reality of death.” - James B McCarthy, Death Anxiety.  - (— Implication, earlier separation experiences, interpersonal pain, bring about psychological defences to ward off anxiety, frustration, and distress — how does that implicate how the adult now relate to others?”  - Lifton (1979) - “Seperation is the paramount threat from the beginning of life and can give rise, very early, to the rudiments of anxiety and mourning… still extremely dependent upon those who nurture him, the child continues for some time to equate death with separation.(p68).  - [Book notes - The Birth and Death of Meaning- 2nd Ed. Ernest Becker](evernote:///view/463671/s5/899a5ebd-f1a3-4958-a7f1-9ed913597d7d/899a5ebd-f1a3-4958-a7f1-9ed913597d7d/) — perhaps related to Socialisation described by Ernest Becker, how child identify with parents, in a way neurosis, a sort of separation within self.  **Defenses Against Death Anxiety** [[Anxiety]] - Essentially, hosts of defences mechanisms to ward off anxieties that lead to separation - (physical, death, emotional etc).  - The defences goes beyond separation anxieties with people, but also defence against anxieties from death. To protect self from the knowledge of one’s finite existence and essential aloneness in the world. [Book notes - The Birth and Death of Meaning- 2nd Ed. Ernest Becker](evernote:///view/463671/s5/899a5ebd-f1a3-4958-a7f1-9ed913597d7d/899a5ebd-f1a3-4958-a7f1-9ed913597d7d/)   (How a person deals with this existential crisis is a primary determinant of the course of his or her life. The enemy of differentiation is the awareness of death.)    ^117ca6 The Core Conflict (page 24)  - Resolution of this conflict, have theses effect on the defended person: 1. Considerable loss of freedom and diminution of personal experience 2. Anger (natural response to frustration, shame, anxiety) is obscured and tends to be internalised or projected outwards. Internalised anger lead to self-denigration. Projection lead to victimisation, counter aggression or paranoid focus on others / events.  3. Not well integrated, cannot communicate honestly. Not been clear of own intentions. Mixed messages all the time, to others, society, life.  4. Desperate clinging to addictive attachments, reliance on self- soothing, self-nourishing habit patterns, which contribute to guilt reactions. (?Distraction by hobbies, entertainment?)  “Making the defensive choice dehumanises the individual, and in corresponding loss of personal identity. In addition, **_people cannot be innocently defended. their defences hurt other people, especially those closest to them."_** — Living an less defended life may be more painful, but can be more integrated to experiences, and life. After all, there is no escape for us.  Summary - In the course of a person’s development, experiences of personal trauma and separation anxiety lead to fantasies of fusion and psychological defence formation.  - Once child develop awareness of death, (ultimate anxiety), death anxiety is the driving force behind defence system. - as such become barrier to higher level of differentiation? - Life long process, strive to be be differentiated.  --- **Chapter 3: The voice.** (Page 27)  Our life is what our thoughts make it. - Marcus Aurelius, Mediation. (#stoicism) [R202003062108: #Stoicism #Index #Reference Notes](evernote:///view/463671/s5/9b2d6563-a981-4bd3-ab03-a7019ef40210/9b2d6563-a981-4bd3-ab03-a7019ef40210/) - Internalised voices? As if we have two opposing point of view - Definition of the voice.  - \- Perhaps it’s superego - Malevolent "observer self”- kills and withers anything that is under it’s scrutiny.  - “we have observed that whenever people were basing their actions on a hostel view of themselves, their interactions with loved ones tended to be angry, intrusive, or provoking. As our study progressed, it become increasingly evident that harsh, judgemental views of other people as expressed by the voice correlated with self-attacks (Firestone, 1988).” - page 29.  - — love others like you love yourself.  - — Am i critical to myself? - The voices are (1) internalisation of parent’s/caregivers destructive attitudes towards oneself and others, (2) imitation of one/both parents maladaptive defences and views about life. (3) defensive approach to life based on emotional pain experience.  Identifying the Voice.  1. Through Voice Therapy.  2. Being aware of self-criticism, and rephrase it as "You are a ...." instead of "I am..."  3. Imagine what would parents think about \_\_\_\_\_\_ of your life. Those could be voices alien of self.  4. Being aware of changes of one's mood or state of mind- sudden / gradual transition to feeling bad, or depressed may indicate process of self- attack - uncover why? and how come?  5. Analysis the circumstances and situation when mood change, and then recall what they were telling themselves.  6. Looking at discrepancies, contradictions between actions and stated goals. - what unconscious, destructive attitudes towards themselves.  1. EXERCISE: Think of an event that triggers, what internal conversations happened before and after. Whose voice was that.  Events that Trigger Self-Attacks.  - both positive and negative events in life can trigger destructive thoughts.  Projections based on the voice process - Because we cannot recognise the division within ourself, we project voices to other people, and feel criticized by them. Leading to misconception and distortions of reality.  - People project their own self-attacks onto others.  - What is the voice i hear when i go for social/date/work event?  - e.g "you are small and immature".. but it is actually "i am not man enough. i am short and inadequate".. and that come from voices from father own issue or how father talk to me.  **Imitation of a parent's psychological defenses, undesirable traits, and toxic behaviors.** - Connection between parents' attitudes and the my views i have incorporated as my own. Regain compassion for myself, and begin to alter negative traits on action level.  The voice connect child to parents. Even after parents are gone.  **The Voice Supports the Self-Parenting Process** - Self-parenting: (1) The self-protective, Self-Nourishing, Self-aggrandizing Negative Attitudes toward Self.  - Idealization of parents lead to deprecating feelings about self. ( -- why can't we value self and others? )  - anticipated rejection - became internal working model, _"If parent frequently reject infant's bid for comfort, or interfered with infant's exploration, child likely to construct an internal working model of self as unworthy, or incompetent._ As if voice warning them not to be hurt again. **Projection of parents' negative traits onto others.** - People also think that the world also reject them, they behave in a way that confirm their mistrust **In Summary.** - People are unable or unaware of how the voices has fused with them. So therapy help them to be aware, to be open to this experience.  ## Chapter 4 Voice Therapy - Voice therapy is based on Seperation Theory, focuses on breaking with destructive fantasy bonds and parental introjects, thereby facilitating movement toward individuation (Firestone, 1997a).  - Seperation theory is a broadly based, system of concepts that integrates Psychoanyalytic and Existential Sisytems of thought - psychoanalysts deal with attachment injury, trauma at early experiences - existentialist explore issues of being and nonbeing.  History of the development of voice therapy - V.T uses cognitive/affective/behavioral methods to surface internalized destructive thoughts to consciousness in a dialogue format so individual can confront that alien components in her/his personality. - Kind of like externalize, giving shape, words and language to those thoughts and attitude. - Author wonder why people, after gaining insights still decided to hold on to destructive patterns. He think that most people reject, manipulate, control environment to avoid personal interactions that would contradict or disprove their early conception of reality. - It is not what happened that cause them distress, it was more what they were telling themselves about the incidents.  - Much personal interactions being filtered through distorted lens of voice process, which gave their interpersonal communications a negative emotional loading.  - The voices come out, almost sounding like how the originator said it. “Someone’s else personality seems to possess him…”  - Being able to verbalised out the destructive voice, and identify emotions associated, client able to relinquish deeply held misconceptions of self. **Voice Therapy Methodology Applied to the process of Differentiation.** The Steps in the Therapeutic Process (Page 47) The steps in voice therapy as applied to the process of differentiation include: 1. Identifying the maladaptive point of view incorporated from the parent during childhood, giving words to the hostile voice attacks on self and others, and releasing the associated affect. 1. Must say it in third person, and with emotions. Because affective component is related to key element in an effective treatment program (J. Beck 1995, L. Greenberg, Rice & Elliot 1993)  3. Identifying the sources of the voice in the family background. 4. Answering back to the incorporated alien point of view and to the attacks on self and others. There are two aspects of the answering-back process: (a) countering each charge by answering back with strength, anger, and emo- tion and (b) offering a rational and realistic evaluation of one’s actual point of view. 1. First emotionally, then from a position of a mature adult 6. Understanding the impact of the destructive thoughts or voices on present-day behavior, therapeutic goals, and the desire to change. 7. Challenging the negative traits and behaviors that reflect the internalized parental point of view by collaborating in the planning and implementation of corrective suggestions. These suggestions are directed toward taking action against the dictates of the voice by both eliminating destructive habit patterns and initiating positive steps toward attaining one’s goals and priorities in life. Often when an individual challenges the critical voice by answering back or tak- ing action, there is a temporary increase in voice attacks or rebuttals that must be dealt with as the therapy progresses. In addition, people tend to experience varying degrees of anxiety as they alter the aversive behaviors and traits they internalized under stressful conditions during their formative years. **Case Example of Brad.** 1. Brad current lifestyle, and how his parents’ personality and lifestyles affected him as well.  2. His father attitude about life (what he said to him all the time) affected Brad, to be “miserable”. He imitated his father’s negative views about life.  3. Stop, look for the voices that are behind that feeling.  4. Anxieties and attacks will come when we disturb the psychological equilibrium.  **Case Example of Amanda** **Resistance in Voice Therapy.** - Centers on projecting core defense, fantasy bond (with parental figures) from breaking down. - It offers an illusion of protection and security.  - Resistance includes - Resistance to utilizing specific voice therapy procedures. - 2\. Resistance to changing one’s self-concept. - 3\. Resistance to formulating personal goals and corrective suggestions and taking - action to implement them. (Those transference dynamics) - 4\. Resistance and regression after answering back to voice attacks - "In general, social pressure to conform and prescriptions against choosing a lifestyle that is different than one's family of origin work against constructive change and personal development." **Chapter 5: Relationships** ^097748 - The psychological defences of each member of the couple constitute the greatest threat to personal satisfaction in an intimate relationship. - Being loved and positively acknowledged can threaten to disrupt one’s psychological equilibrium by piercing core defences.  - This causes anxiety, relieved by distancing behaviours that adversely affect closeness of couple  - —— thats’ why in systemic theory, relationship bring about anxieties! - To maintain “illusion of being in love”, one or both partners unconsciously sacrifice their independence and individuality. - Fantasy Bond. — yes sacrificing fulfilling relationships- sacrifices the individuality and independence.  -  in respectful marriage counselling, and couple therapy - focus should be on saving individuals rather than the institution.  - — “in my work with church client, i focus on the client sense of self, boundaries, and understanding his own decisions.  **How relationships become hurtful** - In good relationship, person’s self esteem is affirmed and nurtured. Bad relationships: negative attitudes and voices of the anti-self system of each partner are reinforced.  - In couple work, look at communications and interaction between people, evaluate if it’s supportive of self, or interfering each other person’s positive sense of self and personal development.  - — Am i supporting, affirming my partner’s sense of self, or restricting? - The fear of the possibility of future loss evoked by being loved is difficult to tolerate, particularly for those who lacked a secure attachment early in life.  - To maintain psychological equilibrium, people unconsciously regulate amount of love and affection being directed to them.  - Look like couple, symbol of togetherness, but not really.  - Over time, individual progressly lose their personal identities, suffer a loss of feeling for each other, and no more real communication. Instead rely more on habit, routines, small talk about practical matters.  - — This is so worrying and sad, because i see it around me.  **Destructive Behaviour Patterns (page 70)** - Fantasy Bond (Link to this book [The Fantasy Bond. Book](evernote:///view/463671/s5/7395820c-0133-4ef8-9eb4-230c11680f11/7395820c-0133-4ef8-9eb4-230c11680f11/) - imagined connections with previous relationship partners (or fused identity with mother, family, country, religion that people invoke to heal the wounds of emotion pain, frustration, separation anxiety and death anxiety. This allow a false sense of safety and security and feeling of pseudo independence, predisposes maladaptive responses. - Dishonest, defensive reactions. Implicit rules replace free choice. Role-playing takes over personal relating, Lack of respect for each other’s boundaries, goals, and priorities. Partners demonstrate attitudes of contempt, manipulate through bullying, outright hostility, passive-aggressive. Controlling other by weakness. Guilt tripping. Contempt (Condescending). Defensiveness, stonewalling, filibustering. - Obedience = Love ? because we learnt that as children, “If you love me, you’ll do what i need or want or demand to make me feel secure and complete and I’ll love you back" - Laura Kipnis (2003) talked about implicit rules and interdictions that people play out. Enacting everyday routines, rituals, customs.. gradually lose a sense of themselves as individuals - — I wonder how does that relate with Confucious’s concept of Rituals. Yes, it’s about social engineering, shaping behaviour. Do it consciously?  **Couples in Collusion** - When couple level of differentiation is low. When one want to develop independent identity, the other partner perceived as a threat, and feel hurt. Either withdraw and attack.  - E.g When couple, one play child, the other play parent.  - Dominance and Submission. -More subtle mode will be one can talk better, and overwhelm the other person.  - Opposite attracts, then become resentful - people find the “missing piece” best fit with their defence and destructive voices so they can reconstruct the emotional environment of their past.  - This is so psychodynamic! Couple find someone like their parents. **Patterns of withholding and self-denial** - Most hurtful is defence of withholding - passive aggressive withholding as indirect way of expressing anger.  due to power different - Withholding to self - giving up life pursuits. Withhold so that they don’t get too close. Safe emotional distance. Resist involvement in emotional transactions. Refuse to take love in from outside, or offer love and affection outwardly.  - — Am i withholding affection and connection with my parents for fear of being hurt again?? Remember i have experienced being rejected? - Withholding - unconsciously - putting on weight, to be less attractive.  - Sense of intimacy often cause feelings of death anxiety to surface.  - Partner in preparation of the other partner leaving, may withdraw and distant emotionally.  - When people hold back their positive feelings and actions, it arouses anxiety and anger in their partner and creates pain and distance in the relationship - — i am reading this and applying to my relationship with parents.  - The person who withhold, experience pessimism and general retreat from life. - self-hatred, regret, remove, existential guilt in relation to life unlived.  - — Don’t withhold, or denial, as painful as life maybe. Be authentic and live life. Connect emotions.  **Selection, Distortion and provocation in relationships** - people usually change their interpersonal world to maintain their defensive adaptations, stick to their imagined connection with parents instead of changing themselves and adapt to new situation. - Selection  - People are drawn to others who mesh with their defences, not able to find high-level choice, they rationalise and self-deception about their middle or lower choices - this create pressure in relationship to constantly reflect illusion of each other.  - Distortion (projection: seeing a new person as their parents,) - person exaggerate any faults their partner does possess and attempt to build strong case against them.  - Partner pick up projective identification and eventually comes to believe they are true.   - Provocation (as a mean to create distance and maintain safety) - Cause the other person to react in a way expected to relive emotional climate of childhood in current emotions. - passive aggressive.  - Double messages - what is said and what is showed conflicting, distort the other person's sense of reality. THE EFFECTS OF CONVENTIONAL SOCIAL MORES ON RELATIONSHIPS - Society represents a pooling of individual defence systems (Firestone & Catlett, 1989) — t_houghts: Therefore possible to analyse different society and cities, as reflecting that culture/ society defences._ - Social Mores, and Conventional point of view affect relationships  - Either idealistic view about LOVE and relationships - or Pessimistic view - — The point is to question social mores and convention, unspoken assumptions that perpetuate views, but accepted as “true”  - accepted but false assumptions: - _Humans are basically deficient in and of themselves_ - _An individual must subordinate him- or herself to preserve the couple, family, or society’s norms; otherwise, he or she is abnormal._ - _The nature of love is constant and unchanging._ - _A person’s physical nature and sexuality are sinful or immoral._ - Main point is that: People go into fantasies, that make more of the situation than is merited. In trying to make things feel safe and secure, they attempt to nail things down.  Conclusion: Break free from the imprisonment of defences, rejecting the temptation to form fantasy bond.  **CHAPTER 6: VOICE THERAPY APPLIED TO COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS (page 84)** - partners filter their communication through a biased, client point of view (because of the critical voices). Distort partner’s real image and intentions.  - Projection of self-attacks on each other.  - Most effective psychotherapy for couples involves each person identifying own critical voices and challenges their destructive effects.  - Partners unconsciously distort and provoke their partners to support their defences and re-create their past.  - _In one example, a woman who was characteristically noncritical and accepting married a man who had grown up with a hypercritical mother. Because the marked difference in this character trait between his wife and his mother caused her husband anxiety, he responded by unconsciously projecting his mother’s negative traits onto his wife. At first the woman was confused and annoyed by being seen incorrectly and by frequently having to explain herself and her motives. Over time, however, her husband’s attitudes and behaviors evoked an entirely new set of voices in her, and she actually came to feel and believe that she was a disapproving and critical person._ - Preliminary study: - 1) People have considerable hostility toward self and often feel that they are unlovable. - 2) Partners often have similar levels of self-differentiation and reciprocal voices; and they seek confirmation of their self-worth through the other - 3) Destructive voices that people bring to the relationship, when left unchallenged, often lead to deserve polarisation in which partners play out complementary roles (e.g parent/child, or dominant/submissive. - 4) People’s styles of relating are often similar to the attachment patterns they formed with each caregivers. (early attachment security predict) OVERVIEW OF VOICE THERAPY WITH COUPLES - Helping couple to identify voice attacks, formulate goals for relationship, as well as for personal development - Each develop as individual, empathy, emotional risks, to see things as they are, reclaim and re-connect with each other.  Page 86. (Powerful stuff!!) - Murray Bowen (1978) - polarised relationships - “over-functioning/under-functioning reciprocity”.  - Polarisation fostered defensive reactions and counteractions in both people" - “_One spouse becomes more the dominant decision maker for the common self, while the other adapts to the situation. This is one of the best examples in borrowing and trading of self in a close relationship. One may assume the dominant role and force the other to be adaptive, or one may assume the adap- tive role and force the other to be dominant....The dominant one gains self at the expense of the more adaptive one, who loses self. More differentiated spouses have lesser degrees of fusion, and fewer of the complications. (p.377)”_ PART 2: Voice therapy methodology applied to difficulties in sexual relating  - Page 96 - Most problem related to sexuality is due to voices that are critical of their body, innate needs etc.  - Resulting in either (1) negative attitudes towards one self, body or sexuality, or (2) negative expectations, perceptions, or distortions of one’s partner.  - “self defeating thoughts often leave people regard sex as performance to be judged instead of natural extension of affection and feelings of attraction." - Talking out, about the voices, can help each other connect deeper and more reality-base.  — I wonder all all these internal negative voices, may perhaps be the basis of external auditory hallucinations. **TEACHING CORE ATTITUDES** - _The philosophical approach underlying voice therapy for couples is that_ _happiness is a by-product of extending oneself in love and generosity and of placing the well- being and happiness of the other person on a parallel with one’s own._ _Genuine love implies finding enjoyment in the personal evolution of one’s partner and in seeing him or her develop and flourish even in areas beyond one’s own interest. The gratification inherent in simply loving another person is a vital component of a mature and satisfying relationship_. - — I resonate with that! I believe in that. I would like to support my partner to develop and achieve greater sense of self.  - Therapist interactions with each member become an example for couple to relate, with respect, and compassion, to be empathic and fully present while listening. They develop a “therapeutic stance” themselves.  - — This remind me of “Therapeutic Presence”, so in another word, in an ideal world, everyone is a therapist.  - Couple learn to give up the need to always be right. As soon as they sense disagreement, they reach out. Defensiveness signal something.  - — This is “Non-violence Communication” practising in out in life  - _This technique of “unilateral disarmament” does not imply that one must surrender one’s point of view or necessarily defer to the other’s opinion; rather, it indicates that one values being close to one’s partner more than winning one’s point._ - _When we try to overcome resistance and modify destructive patterns of interaction, they feel more anxious and experience recurrence of voice attacks. Stay vulnerable, refuse to retreat, rebuttals of voice will subside and intimacy increase__._ Summary - Facilitates process of differentiation by strengthening each partner’s independence, point of view, goals, and priorities and by identifying negative thoughts and way of living that encourage people to reject real expressions of love and increase their tendency to rely on fantasy. - Focus on developing each self. Not use relationship, making use each other as tool to reenact past lives.  - Be aware of those voices. Challenge them.  **CHAPTER 7: FAMILY DYNAMICS THAT AFFECT DIFFERENTIATION (Page 100)** - Diverse family bonds, child-rearing practices contribute to difficulties people encounter as they mature, to develop themselves in to unique individuals.  - Each dyadic relationship in family (father-son, mother-son etc) have both positive and negative elements that obstruct person’s movement toward individuation and self-realization. - Detrimental effects on child born to parents whose relationships is characterised by fantasy bond.  **FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS** - This section talks about the impact/influence of father on daughter development. (Page 101) **Emotional Hunger and Emotional Incest in Father-Daughter Relationships** - destructive influences - psychologically immature father overstepping daughter’s personal boundaries, turning to her for love and support he should be seeing from an adult. Girls being used in this manner, feel strong pull to gratify father’s misdirected needs (Masterson, 1985) - emotionally hunger father develop strong identification, unconscious attempt to live through her. these fathers typically become angry and punishing when daughter makes independent choices.  - Emotional Incest — "_This type of covert incest is acted out in sexual- ized affection and excitement when close to the daughter, in flirtation, sexual in- nuendos, inappropriate touching and handling of the girl’s body and clothing, or extravagant behavior such as giving her inappropriate gifts and expressing adulation of her beauty, intelligence, or other positive qualities. These fathers are often posses- sive and jealous of other people in their daughter’s life._” (P103) - Two defining features : (Love, 1990) -  - 1) parent satisfying their own needs while ignoring child’s needs. They injure daughter’s capacity for wanting, and desiring mature sexual relationships (stunted development)  - 2) Sexualised, enmeshed dynamic generates considerable guilt, anxiety and anger in young girl that can block her psychosexual development.  - Women who have been through this, usually experience sexual problems “find nice partners, but always manage to destroy their relationship" **FATHERS AND SONS** - For men, differentiation requires courage to challenge negative parental influences, and also resist external social pressure to conform to rigidly defined gender roles and conventional images of masculinity.  - Two personal qualities crucial for son’s psychosexual development: Warmth and Closeness. If father possess these characteristics and participates in parenting functions and family activities, his son take on these qualities as his own and feel integrated within himself. - When fathers have doubts about their masculinity, their sons tend to imitate their father’s style of relating, especially in their intimate relationships. For instance, if the dynamic between the parents is one in which the father is weak and the mother is controlling, as an adult, the son will most likely be attracted to domineering women and adopt a subservient role in relation to his partner.  - Can the son find an ally in his father, to counter his mother’s view of masculinity?? **Competition between father and son** - Father unresolved competitive feelings acted out in relation to his sons. - covert and feeling of envy, hostility, towards the son. - Son grow up projecting aggression that was originally directed toward him by his father, onto men. Exaggerated fear of retribution and tendency to retreat from competitive situations.  - he grow up become passive, retreat from competition, either wining and losing trigger guilt/strong self attacks. “Cannot surpass my father” Achievement arouse anxiety, going beyond him, or symbolically leaving him behind.  - They experience powerful voice attacks, regressive behaviours, sabotage own accomplishments.  - — The voice of father’s critical words, put-down, unsupportive, critical sprit crushes the son’s soul! Keep replaying in his mind, and son believes it!  - —Transmitted thought of “incompetent, or too stupid to learn anything”  - If son become better then father, father become competitive, become jealous.. and criticise. “the truth is you are jealous with the attention i am getting”  - Summary: Father need to be warm, empathic and attuned to his sons and as well as his daughters.”  **Male Vanity and Chauvinism** - Son raised to believe he is a prince. Grow up with inflated sense of self-importance. But within is empty. need external validation to nurture him self. (Innate deficiencies, need compensate for, which increases feelings of inadequacy) - Woman may resent and get angry, but knows that she got man under her control, just feed him and he become dependant on you. But both person surrenders, because woman have to give up dignity and self-respect.  - "_The vain man often views women as fragile or physically less capable and assumes a protective stance toward them that is, in itself, disrespectful and demeaning_." - Conventional notion that man is “king of his castle” create strong pressure for everyone to contribute to this script, delusion.. son often perceived as threat to father’s supremacy, target of father’s competitive anger.  - Collusion between family members, flatter the father, shield him from comparisons with other men bends the entire family out of shape — especially in Close-system i think.  - — It’s an illusion, instead of relating with each other in respectful, loving, honest manner. We have false impression, and image of family members. Boy learn to expect a buildup, and girls learn to control with false flattery.  **MOTHERS AND SONS**  page 109.  - Mother are primary, first attachment figure to both boy and girls.  - Unstable mother compromise son’s development.  - Boy suppress anger (if mother withhold or aggressive) and surface on other women in his life. Follow by remote and self-recrimination.  - Or become clingy, desperate and overly dependent.  - Form anxious attachment to partners, undifferentiated.  - Mother who are unable to show love, son interpreted that they are unloveable, unacceptable. They also unable to express their love, to cause women to treat them like their mother.  - Also unable to relate with other males in deeper level. They feel isolated. Defence by putting up tough persona. Self-Critical.  **Overprotection and Emotional Incest in Mother-Son Relationships** - Overly involved, emotionally hungry, intrusive mothers - psychological control, = depression, antisocial.  - Men feel sexually inferior, fears of incapable to satisfy women.Find woman intimidating. Sexual problems. - Erectile dysfunctions, promiscuous behaviour, avoid sex.  - Because of the smattering, stifling, man later avoid intimacy for fear of being submerged and swallowed up.  - Become pulling back from emotionally fulfilling experiences.  - they may have internal voices something like “you are not man enough”. “you are just a little boy”  - IN families where seductive mother’s primary relationship is with her son, the father usually are pushed into periphery of the boy’s life. Excluded from the relationship. Father develop resentment toward both his wife and son.  - Gatekeeper Mothers - despite best intentions, maintain so close a bond with sons, no more room for father to play a meaningful role.  **Men who identify with a passive-aggressive mother** - Most often, children identify with parent who they sense has more of the control in the family.  - Mother may control by being self-sacrificing, chronically illy, self-destructive, son often blames himself for her misery, feel sorry and align with her.  - She will treat son as confidante, her “strong man” complain husband shortcoming, failures.  - devastating effect on his son by evoking fear, guilt, and anger in him.  - Internalised mother’s derisive attitudes towards his father and men in general.  - They turn against themselves (men), self attack.  - _Men who identify with their mother in this way develop an acute sensitivity to her emotional state and, as adults, tend to be overly reactive to variations in their mate’s moods and state of mind. These men are often attracted to and become involved with women who manipulate through covert negative power in a manner similar to that of their mothers. Any sign of unhappiness or misery on the part of their mate can arouse guilt reactions that lead to serious tension within the couple__._ - Page 113.  - “your father is not sensitive, you take better care of me”  - Men feel guilt for their partner’s misery.  - Some men manifest personality traits of meekness, passivity, deferring to partner’s wishes, symbolically placate their mothers.  - "_Men who abrogate their real strength and personal power often utilize covert, negative means of control in their personal relationships, such as sulking, feeling victimized, or becoming moody and jealous. Their unhappiness, personal suffering, and self-hatred function to arouse guilt reactions and fear in their mates and associates (Firestone & Catlett, 1999)_." - Men who was object of manipulation now play similar game.  - Men who identify with mother’s negative view of men may defend the women, refuse to believe they are manipulated.. as it disorienting for them, their defences. Collusive nature of fantasy bond.  - Any desperation and dependency that they initially experienced in relation to their mother are later directed toward the woman in their lives. They tend to seek symbolic safety and reassurance in a fantasy bond with their partner, to their own detriment and to the detriment of their relationship (Firestone, 1985) THE FANTASY BOND AND FAMILY DYNAMICS - Collusion with family, to maintain fantasy bond and idealisation, “our family is better than other families”  - Adhere to family beliefs, parent’s point of view, tradition.  - Protect the “happy family” - free speech, honest perceptions are controlled.  - “Child must not show pain or unhappiness, because this would disrupt positive view of family, betray parents by exposing their flaws and inadequacies (Firestone, 1990a) — _Because my parents are perfect, they are my caregiver_ - Book - [Invisible Loyalties](evernote:///view/463671/s5/4c22ff5d-e592-4d4a-8ed6-c02931314379/4c22ff5d-e592-4d4a-8ed6-c02931314379/), "The attitudes and defenses that each adult manifests within the couple relationship are significant predictors of the views, practices, and interactions that evolve within their emerging family." - “discrepancies between words and actions are capable of creating mental disturbance in children (Firestone, 1997a, p301) — that cause a dissonance, and some thing have to give to reconcile it.  - "when a fantasy bond within the family is operant, it leads to the substitution of role-determined behavior for genuine relating. Children learn to mistrust their own perceptions, accept their parents’ role-playing as real feeling, and deny the reality that their parents may be self-serving, hostile, indifferent, or emotionally unavailable." - — that’s “Ernest Becker - The Birth and Death of Meaning” - Inner world? And how “voices” created. Split. - "in the healthy or ideal family constellation, parents would not only be loving but would also be sensitively attuned to their child’s needs and manifest positive personal qualities that contribute to their child’s well- being and growth into an autonomous person.” — Got such family? **CHAPTER 8: THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER BOND AND DIFFERENTIATION.** (p118) - Mother-daughter bond exerts the most powerful influence on a woman’s life.  - If mother is well-adjusted, independence, got own values and opinion, equal and loving sexual relationship with her husband.. daughter got a strong positive role model for daughter to emulate.  - Hendrika Freud (1997/2011) asserted in her book Electra vs Oedipus: The Drama of the Mother- Daughter Relationship, “Generally speaking, the bond between mothers and daughters facilitates passing on emotional health as well as pathology to the next generation via the female line” (p. 66 - “effects of ‘not goo enough’ can pass down the generations.  **The Psychodynamics of the mother-daughter bond.** (I haven’t finish this chapter)  **CHAPTER 9: DEATH ANXIETY AND DIFFERENTIATION** - [The Denial of Death - Ernest Becker](evernote:///view/463671/s5/c64c110e-5684-45f5-bc3d-d7abcf74b090/c64c110e-5684-45f5-bc3d-d7abcf74b090/) - Fear of death is the most profound terror experienced by human begins. To deal with this death anxiety, strong defences in place so not to have to face it.  - These defences formed in early childhood interfere with process of individuation and development.  - Ernest Becker "_The irony of man’s condition is that the deepest need is to be free of the anxiety of death and annihilation; but it is life itself which awakens it, and so we must shrink from being fully alive_” IF we don’t live and experience life, perhaps won’t experience death? - — Feeling alive by truly living also triggers the conscious awareness of death (Mortality) **THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN SEPARATION ANXIETY AND THE FEAR OF DEATH** - Referring to Chapter 2 of this book.  - Child become aware of mortality - of parents and their own - illusion of self-sufficiency and omnipotence shattered.  - Feeling insecure. some cope by cutting off feelings, distant, develop phobia, express anger and hostility, in general regress to a more infantile level of functioning. (To the time when they were not aware of mortality) - — I think my discomfort with evening or night time stern from this anxiety of separation anxiety. Signifying the end is coming.  - And children use that defences formed to quell paralysing panic. Throughout life span. People continue to use them to deny or negate reality of personal mortality.  - "_Any_ _negative event or reminder of death, such as a rejection, illness, or accident, can arouse death anxiety and precipitate defensive reactions and regression to a less mature level of functioning__. Positive events also play a significant role in triggering unconscious death fears. This seemingly paradoxical reaction is understandable when death anxiety is taken into account, because_ _any experience that reminds an individual that he or she possesses strength, independence, personal power, or intrinsic value as a person will make him or her acutely conscious of his or her life and its inevitable loss_.” (Page 135) - — No wonder, even now, as i am making progress in my personal independence, this anxiety get triggered.   - — also reminded me of the possible precipitating factors for patients with psychosis? **THE CORE CONFLICT** Less defended individuals (people who can align to LIFE) feel more alive and have the opportunity to experience more freedom and independence. They have a better chance to differentiate from destructive developmental influences, realize their unique personality, and fulfill their human potential **TWO VIEWS OF DEATH ANXIETY AND INDIVIDUATION** - 1\. Normal View - people have existential concerns and fear of death is morbid and pathological.  - 2\. Morbid view - fear of death is natural and present. it heighten natural anxieties and later fears.  - Author said that "conscious death anxiety is exacerbated by the degree of individuation and self-actualization”.  - The more invested in life, the more fears of reoccurrence of dread. "I have observed that death anxiety increases as people relinquish defenses, refuse to conform to famil- ial and societal standards, reach new levels of differentiation of self, and expand their lives." - Existential Guilt - regret stemming from holding back one’s investment and fulfilment in life.  - "Ernest Becker and several other theorists subscribe to the view I propose here— that the process of individuation intensifies the fear of death (Becker, 1973/1997; Maslow, 1971; O. Rank, 1941; Tillich, 1952). In The Courage to Be, Tillich (1952) asserted, “It has been observed that the anxiety of death increases with the increase of individualization” (p. 50). In several works, Maslow (1971) discussed the close relationship between the fear of death and the fear of standing alone, as an individual, apart from the crowd. He claimed that this fear manifests itself during a person’s most fulfilling or peak experiences, when he or she has a sense of being separate from the group." - "people tend to conform to the worldview of the society in which they live as a way of buffering or relieving death anxiety." - To live as my own person is difficult to achieve, bring about death fears. Every time you act on self-will, can be threatening.  - — Perhaps, in bible, when man “act out his free will” he sinned, and result in death? **HOW DEFENCES AGAINST DEATH ANXIETY AFFECT DIFFERENTIATION** - defensive reactions to death anxiety on three level: (1) personal, (2) interpersonal, (3) societal level. - Personal - listen to their voice and withhold, renunciation of vocation and drive, Prematurely give up on life. - Interpersonal - just be yourself, don’t expose yourself to intimacy, restrict.  - Society - join “other power” follow norms and culture. Ernest Becker say subscribe to the hero system in culture, “if i am a GOOD citizen, GOOD husband.. etc.. i am a hero, earn my immortality in popular ways mapped out by societies..”  - Different groups have their own hero system and defences, thus reason for much strife between human.. because cannot allow others to threaten my defences.  **EFFECTS OF DEFENSIVE REACTIONS TO DEATH ANXIETY ON THE SELF** - Page 138 - Sometimes people accommodate painful existential realities by retreating to a more inward, self-protective lifestyle, acting from childlike, and parental components of anti-self system. - self-nurturing, addictive behaviors, mindless scrolling etc, dull people's sensitivity to painful emotions - in exchange for pursue goals, and creativity in life.  - people exist inward state, rely on fantasy to gratify wants and needs. Just day dream, because actual achievement interferes with fantasy. "We do not really feel grateful toward those who make our dreams come true; they ruin our dreams" Eric Hoffer.  **Microsuicide: Death of the Spirit** - Death of the spirit. Man gradually, unconsciously giving up on their life. Through self-destruct, self harm behavior. - The voice "why go through all that pain? why not just give up" deadening themselves.  - _Family systems theorist Murray Bowen (Kerr & Bowen, 1988) contended, “Chronic psychosis and depression can be thought of not just as diseases, but as symptoms of having given up too much self to the relationship system \[family or couple system\]” (p. 87). According to Bowen, these disorders represent attempts to manage anxiety; similarly, we see them as efforts to alleviate existential dread and terror._ **EFFECTS OF DEFENSIVE REACTIONS TO DEATH ANXIETY ON RELATIONSHIPS** - _An increase in both the conscious and unconscious awareness of death affects the quality of relationships. Conscious death awareness is triggered by actual experiences that pertain to death, such as rejection, illness, or fi nancial setback, whereas closeness and love usually precipitate unconscious death anxiety. Both types of death anxiety can be aroused in the process of experiencing love and tenderness in an intimate relationship_. - Once death anxiety is aroused, people’s unconscious goal is to alter the other person’s loving feelings toward them in order to create enough emotional distance to reduce or relieve any anxiety or dread they may experience. Control and withholding are the principal methods used to accomplish these goals. For example, in their intimate relationships, people may seek to maintain this type of control by holding themselves back from engaging in spontaneous emotional exchanges with their mate, by strategizing about the frequency of having sex, or by placing other limits on what they are willing to give and to accept. Both control and withholding are regulated by the voice process. **SYMBOLIC AND LITERAL IMMORTALITY AS DEFENSES AGAINST DEATH ANXIETY** - Symbolic Immortality: - Vanity - Focuses on appearance. Outward appearance to compensate on internal low self-esteem.  - Living on through one's children (Gene Survival) - new parents, reminded of their mortality.  - Lifton (1979), family continuity, living through, imagery of an endless chain of biological attachment. (-- think of asian culture) - Forming fantasy bond, that both can feel secure in an insecure and uncertain world. "There is a history" . Parents do not provide for child's development into unique individuals, uses tradition, rules for conform. "legacy"  - \-- I can see that in asian culture, how chinese family, confucisous, and think that children belong to them.. and expect to continue their legacy. And the "survivor guilt" in children when they decide for themselves.  - Living on through one's works. - If people devote all time and energy, for life project, reflects personal concerns or family life, then its a problem.  Literal Immortality (Page 144) - Religion seeks to answer the question of "what is the meaning of existence?". - Religion act as buffer to reduce anxiety of death, at the price of being not differentiated.  - "Good parent/Bad Child Dichotomy, and maintain anti-self system.  - "Process of investing someone outside oneself with strength and goodness to the detriment of one's own sense of worth is the same in both cases. Both connections provide relief from one's eistential fears by offering a sense of immortality."  **FACING DEATH WITH EQUANIMITY AND APPROPRIATE FEELING** - Three types of destructive thought pattern / voices that are based on defensive adaptions to fear of death: - (1) Rationalisation on why retreat from life-affirming activities  - (2) Existential guilt (self attack thoughts for life unlived)  - (3) Prohitions and warnings to avoid investment in life and love.  - Voices may come like “you will not be able to take it when someone die, might as well ‘cut and run’” . Then have to respond to the voice, answer back.  - Live life inspire of being so sad. "the process of feeling one’s sadness, sorrow, and grief helps dispel self-hating thoughts and other painful ruminations about death (Firestone & Catlett, 2009a)." - Be differentiated, and you become aware of one’s mortality. But acceptance, and living life though it may only be temporarily. "The more people are able to differentiate themselves from early destructive influ- ences and strengthen their authentic selves, the more they become aware of death, and the more they have to learn to deal with these painful feelings. As death fears surface in the course of their everyday lives, people can face the reality of their mor- tality; identify and express the accompanying feelings of fear, sadness, and anger; and communicate their thoughts and feelings to others rather than retreat into a defen- sive posture. Giving up well-established defenses and dispelling destructive illusions is not only possible but essential to living one’s life fully.” To live otherwise, not accepting death, is delusional, and not being authentic. **LEARNING TO LOVE** - “If death anxiety is the poison, then love is the antidote” - Firestone & Catlett, 2009a, p. 285)  - "In order to develop psychologically and spiritually, one needs to learn how to love; to continue to search for love throughout life; and to remain open, vulnerable, and positive and to not become self-protective, cynical, or despairing when love fails (Firestone et al., 2006)." - Be close and love but resist fantasy bond.  **CHAPTER 10: THE IMPACT OF CULTURAL AND SOCIAL FACTORS ON DIFFERENTIATION (Page 149)** - Beside personal issues, and early life experiences, social cultural issues also influence and restict one's freedom, and ability to differentiate. - the capacity to feel, to love, the desire for meaning, developing one's creativity, and to live harmony with people.  - Social mores is about wanting people to conform, to be "the same" that support the anti-self voices in people.  - Defenses of individual members combine to form the social attitudes, mores, and institutions, and in turn, act back to interfere with people's movement.  - E.g the popular cultural of valuing ROLE-PLAYING (e.g role of parents, husband, child, etc) and IMAGE, is like a script, people act their part, and relate with each other "defensive facade", instead of authenticity and real experience. --- sacrifice part of their authentic self for an externally imposed identity.  - How we can be nonconformist .. healthy way.  **INSTITUTIONAL DEFENSES AGAINST DEATH ANXIETY** - by subscribing to a cause, as a way of immortality and security (-- and meaning? )  - Nationalism, Totalitarianism and the "ultimate rescuer"  Nationalism, Totalitarianism and the "ultimate rescuer" - Any -isms can give people a sense of comfort and security who are facing ontological anxiety.  - Concept of nationhood and nation-state replaced a now-defunct concepts of God, religion and divine right of kings.  - Fear of death (as unconscious motivator) -- defenses (fantasy bond) --- family bond and society (group identification) -- merging identity of self to a "symbol" / cause (guard against fear of death), but without that external object, individual entity cannot survive?  - Sense of being connected to group - nationalism - also give sense of power. Fusion, "Nationalism viewed as defensive group marcissim"  - \--- Does it reflect that in a country when people are not differentiated and feeling insecure, easier for them to be nationalistic?  - When they identify with group - sway by authoritarian leaders who promise them certainty and safety - "ultimate rescurer" - "To counteract the tendency toward conformity and to uphold one's principles in the face of such influences, one needs determination and a personal code of mortality"  - Undestanding yourself, and "your own foundations"  - Prejudices and Racisms - - Projection of unwanted ideas of self onto others. - "People who have been significantly damaged in early family interactions are generally more defended or rigid regarding their beliefs than their less damaged counterparts and tend to react with fear and aggression when confronted by racial and cultural differences (Erlich, 1973). - if the personality make up of most of the people or nation is rigid and intolerant, their social mores and conventions tend to reinforce a general movement toward a prejudicial view of others. Entire societies are capable of becoming progressively more hostile, paranoid, or psychologically disturbed in much the same manner that a defended individual can become mentally ill. Indeed, the more a society is built on insecurity and inflexible belief systems, the more “sick” it becomes, and the more danger it poses to world peace (Firestone, 1997a). - Page 154.  THE PARALLEL BETWEEN THE VIOLATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS IN SOCIAL SYSTEMS AND IN FAMILY SYSTEMS - Does the exisitance of state or government enable its citizens better life.  - WHen protection of a government or political system takes precedence over rights of individual, then it's not helpful (philosophically)  Institutionalized Stereotypes About Gender and Age - Gender sterotype - media.  - Age - elderly people threaten people about existential dilemma.  - Adopt new view of aging.  - How does family at times operate like a totalitarian state infringe on child's right and not supporting them to develop as autonomous individuals - Everytime when there is inequality, power difference, putting a group of people as inferior, there will be violence. (Violence to others, society or towards self) - page 159 ASPECTS OF THE SOCIALIZATION PROCESS THAT PREDISPOSE CONFORMITY ---